The one with the fat pants

TV shows have become so relatable to my life lately. Seinfeld almost always can be worked into a conversation. It was no coincidence that over Thanksgiving I became the owner of my very first fat maternity pants, because you may recall the friends episode where Joey borrows Phoebe's maternity pants for Thanksgiving dinner to make more room for food.

src

I've been able to wing it with a lot of my pants up until now, but things haven't been going as well in the last couple weeks. The fact that my belly seems to swell depending on the day determines what pants will fit. One day I couldn't even come close to buttoning a pair of jeans, but the following day the same pants fit just fine and were actually comfortable. What gives? I assume water retention.

Besides waving the white flag on some more fitted pants a few weeks ago, I discovered yesterday that my growing belly/love handles/thighs no longer jive with some Nike Pro winter running tights. I was pulling them up about every mile during my 4 mile run yesterday. I am sure I was quite the sight. I guess before they would sit above or at my hip bones just right.

Moments like these are still hard to swallow. I know my weight gain and changing body is for the greater good, but as someone who has never been 100% comfortable body image wise, it takes some mental fortitude to justify it all. I think the fact that I am not at that cute bump stage yet doesn't help. I just look like I ate a lot for 4 days. (Which I did this weekend, btw).

So, do I buy another more accommodating pair of running tights? I have one pair that works just fine and should since they have always been a little looser in the waist. Do I need more than one pair is more of the question. It's another sad realization that I won't be needing deluxe winter running gear when the longest I will probably venture out is 5 miles the duration of the 2011/2012 winter season. My goal for now is to keep running until 26 weeks, or roughly the end of 2nd trimester. It might be a bit ambitious, but my definition of running may be modified to only a couple miles jogged at a time.

It's still running, right?

Musings on running while pregnant, et al

Thank you all for your kind words, congratulations, and comments that made me laugh on my previous post. It's an exciting yet nerve wracking time. I am the ultimate worrywart, so I always think about the "what if's" probably too much.

Since pregnancy is pretty much at the forefront right now, not a whole lot else has been happening in my life. To top it off, I have been working 50+ hours a week, so exciting things like a social life, weekend excursions, and general fun have been limited. You know, because drinking = fun.  No? (Just kidding Mom and Dad).

As I mentioned in my last post, I have still been running. It's really interesting to deal with the mental aspect of this. Being about a minute per mile slower has been humbling. (And even slower on the treadmill!) Not that I think I was fast to begin with or anything. I leave the Garmin at home quite often. I usually only take it with for my "long runs" which haven't been more than 9.5 miles since September. My pace for those is usually right around 9:20 to 9:30 per mile. I usually take a few breaks for water every 2-3 miles as well.

Interestingly enough, I feel like I can still run fast and push the tempo, but I don't because I know I probably shouldn't. It always makes me wonder what if? There's all these rules out there, but how much do we really know? I feel like exercise and pregnancy is a gray area. You always hear the same rehashed stuff like don't let your heart rate get over 140 bpm. Funny, because I am pretty sure mine is always over that and it was before I was pregnant on easy runs. I hear of many success stories of mama's to be running until their water breaks, so I think the key here is having a receptive and knowledgeable OB/midwife on your side. I feel like it's a broken record to say "listen to your body", but if you are an experienced runner or exerciser in general, you know when you are pushing too hard. (My body actually tells me to eat pizza and lay on the couch all day. Perhaps yours tells you different.)

Speaking of running, I took my growing belly and it's precious contents and hit the road on Sunday for my first pregnant sub-freezing run. It was about 25 degrees with no wind. Perfect. The roads and trails were a bit messy with some slushy and icy spots, so I was extra careful to watch my footing. I've only fallen twice (I think…maybe less) in 15 years of running outside in winter, so I feel pretty sure-footed out there. Still, I won't be taking the risks I used to in the icy, crunchy snow this year.

This weekend also included a lot of much needed organization, purging, re-decorating, and re-arranging. Since Mr. BKL has to be the one to paint the baby's room, we had to get a head start on it. He coaches a winter sport, so his time is even more limited. And by the time that's over, I will probably be too huge and miserable to be of any use to anyone. We chose a neutral color for the walls. I am not big into pastels and don’t want the room to be so baby like, rather, I want it to be more kid friendly so they can grow into it. They are only babies for a short time after all.

  Behr Sparkling Apple (src)

To round out this random post, I hope everyone is enjoying the awesome short week. (And if you have to work over the holiday celebrating gluttony, I am sorry for bringing it up again.)  I need a day off something fierce. Sorry I’m not sorry I don’t have a Thanksgiving recipe or 500 to share. I will be contributing nothing but a bottle of wine. If I can’t drink it, someone should.

Without further ado, the reason for my absence.

I was never good at answering the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years? What about 10?" Mostly because I've never been good at setting non-exercise related goals. In high school I always said I would be graduated college with a degree and a job. Married and with a family someday. It was pretty vague. I never said I am going to be a marine biologist or something else that generated the ooohs and ahhs of accomplishment. (I know you went to school with those girls who said they were going to be marine biologists.) I went to college thinking I would be an architect because it sounded neat and I liked to draw…and stuff.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time. I just assumed I would always follow the beaten path of professional career, marriage, and family. You don't plan on things like unemployment along the way. When I was in college I can honestly say that not being able to find a job whilst having a bachelors degree from a university never crossed my mind. In fact, not being able to find any job at all never crossed my mind. My serving and bar tending gigs of high school and college came easily.

Not a real marine biologist. (src)

When the layoffs came around to me, I was in shock. I was scared. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless. It felt unfair that this was happening to me and more importantly us. I feel like I let my husband down somehow. Our plans of starting a family together were put on hold indefinitely. At least I had a great and typically me cynical come back for when those annoying "when are you going to have babies?" questions came up.

Then I got a job. I felt like I had won the lottery. The privilege to have benefits and a steady paycheck had been all I wanted for a year, because deep down, I didn't really care about being the CEO of a company or some other grand position (see above), I just wanted a stable life. I am sure I am making it sound like I have always been baby crazy. Not true.  I have gone through serious phases of ultimate doubt. How will I ever be able to take care of another human if I still feel like a teenager? I can't remember my lunch in the morning, how will I be able to remember soccer practice, doctors appointments, and their lunch? I have to give up beer/wine/coffee/sushi/anything delicious for 9 months or MORE? I won't be able to spend money on ME? I will have to get fat and say goodbye to my mediocre abs? When will I sleep? How will we afford it? What about their college tuition? You get the idea.

Apparently, everyone says "oh you will never be ready!" Well, I was pretty far from ready for a long time. After getting the job, I felt pressure to get this baby train rolling. I wasn't getting any younger, and my biggest concern was age. I always knew I wanted a family, but knew I couldn't wait until I was 45 to start. (At least not ideally for me - I know there are lots of couples who start their families later in life.)

The summer of 2011 rolled on. Our "plan" was in place. All of a sudden it was time for the "plan" to commence. Because of this I held off on signing up for a ton of races this fall. I really wanted to run a 1/2 marathon, but knew in the back of my mind it probably wasn't the best. I didn't know what would happen if I did end up pregnant and how my body would handle it. Being the frugal gal that I am, I knew spending money on race fees that I would potentially have to bow out of wasn't smart.

I did keep one race on my calendar. The Bear Water Run 10 mile on 9/10/11. Remember that one? Remember how I said it "just wasn't my day?" Well, it really was my day. But not for running. That morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. (I had a good hunch it would be positive because I had been feeling very off - especially during my training runs - the previous two weeks. They say you just know sometimes. I guess I did.)  For some reason, I decided to still run the race. (See above about money.) I was distracted and completely exhausted. I started out way too fast and totally died at the end. My thoughts were most certainly not on the race. It was still fun and I can now say it was baby’s first race.

Since the day we found out, I have been reading, researching, and day dreaming about what the little bean will look like. I can't say I was immediately in love with my embryo. It barely felt real. The day I saw the first ultrasound, I have to admit it was hard to keep the smile off my face. I look at them often.

During the first trimester, most days I felt exactly the same and barely noticed “my condition.” I have to say I feel pretty lucky in terms of first trimester sickness from the horror stories I hear from others. I had days where I felt really tired or had some nausea, aches and pains, and bloating, but nothing I couldn't battle through. I haven't had any strong aversions or cravings. Sure, lots of things sound good, but I don't think I've experienced a true craving. Now that I am in the second trimester, I'm told things only get better from here, until they get downright uncomfortable at the end. I am also extremely lucky to have been bale to keep up my running. I have managed 20-25 miles per week which is just a little less than before the spawn. Sure I'm a LOT slower, but I am still out there putting one foot in front of the other and for that I am grateful.

So now you know where I've been hiding and why I've not been blogging. Of course I've had lots to talk about, but we (Mr. BKL and I) made a decision to wait to spread the news.

As for the future of what's to come on this blog, well it's mine and I can talk about what I want. But, I don't think it's in my nature to be all ZOMG BABIES all the time. That being said, I've learned to never say never about anything anymore. I do know that for the foreseeable future, there won't be talk about beer or running races. ::dabs lone tear off cheek:: My goal is to talk about staying healthy and sane during this ultimate endurance event. And let’s face it, millions of women have birthed babies. This is nothing new and I am not that special. (Don’t tell my Mom that.)

Also, since we don't have a huge house or tons of disposable income, there won't be much talk about mega glam nurseries, the latest and greatest large plastic objects (aka baby toys), or new vehicles. I also won't sit here and write out an elaborate birth plan or even pretend to know what the heck is going on when it comes to birthing and raising babies. Things can happen. If it's one thing that remains the same, it's that things change.

Current stats
Weeks along: 13 weeks and 3 days (technically 2nd trimester if you divide 40 by 3)
Maternity clothes: Not yet, but some pants have already been phased out.
Workouts: Running 20-25 mpw and lifting about 2x a week.
Weight gained: ? More than 5, less than 10. I haven't been weighing closely.
Favorite foods: cheese, soft pretzels, bread, Twix bars, Sweet Baby Rays Buffalo Wing dipping sauce
Least favorite food: fruity gummy bears
Current symptoms: Fatigue, continually slowing running speeds, indigestion.
Thing that annoys me right now: A co-riker eating an apple loudly and painfully slow, every. single. day, the neighbors obnoxious security flood light that seems to be possessed by the underworld and wakes me up at night, the sometimes smelly bathroom at work.*

And that my friends, is how to do a blogger pregnancy announcement with a lone photo of George Costanza.

 

* These are not necessarily related to pregnancy. I am annoyed easily.

Dark Days

I am breaking my silence to simply complain about daylight savings time ending. Ever since I can remember, I hated the "fall back" time change. And it all stems from one thing: running. When I was in high school, I ran outdoors year round. In cotton clothing no less. I would make it home in time to run quick before it got dark, and still get to my job which usually started at 5. There were the days where the weather forced me to run at the local senior center indoor walking track. It was a bargain, but I got bored and it smelled funny. I also got sick A LOT that winter. Just sayin'.


(Insert goofy clip art of clock falling back here.)

In college, I was able to keep my class schedule outdoor running friendly for the most part. That's right, I planned my schedule around not too early classes and not too late classes. It worked until the final year when my thesis was from 1-5pm, 4 days a week. That year was also the year I did the least amount of running in my life. Not a coincidence.

Which brings me to today. The modern era of the working woman who doesn't get home before 5pm. Guess when it gets dark here? 5pm. Now that I have my own treadmill, it makes things easier, but let's be honest. It's still a treadmill.

I'm sure most people don't see why this is a problem and I agree, I could explore some options.

For instance, I could find some friends who also like to run. We could run together in the dark, thereby making it safer. Sort of. Depends on where we would run. I like running alone and finding a friend who runs at the same pace and wants to run in the winter is harder than it sounds.
I could join a running group, again with the same goal. I am apprehensive at joining a group because a) I am not that fast, b) I am not a joiner c) it intimidates me and d) I don't want to pay for it.
I could find somewhere safe to run. This is doable, but I would have to drive quite a bit out of my way. Not exactly a time efficient activity during rush hour. And even then, is anywhere really completely safe? Is anywhere safe in the day light for that matter? Finding somewhere safe also involves finding safe surfaces. One the snow and ice are here, the streets are pretty much the only option. I worry about a car not seeing me more than stranger danger.
Where/when do you run in the dark, cold days?

I might venture out in the dark on some higher traffic streets with sidewalks before the snow is here. Once the snow piles up, you can't guarantee sidewalks will be kept clear unfortunately, as it's up to the homeowner. I need to get a sweet reflective vest or maybe a blinky light first!