I was never good at answering the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years? What about 10?" Mostly because I've never been good at setting non-exercise related goals. In high school I always said I would be graduated college with a degree and a job. Married and with a family someday. It was pretty vague. I never said I am going to be a marine biologist or something else that generated the ooohs and ahhs of accomplishment. (I know you went to school with those girls who said they were going to be marine biologists.) I went to college thinking I would be an architect because it sounded neat and I liked to draw…and stuff. I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time. I just assumed I would always follow the beaten path of professional career, marriage, and family. You don't plan on things like unemployment along the way. When I was in college I can honestly say that not being able to find a job whilst having a bachelors degree from a university never crossed my mind. In fact, not being able to find any job at all never crossed my mind. My serving and bar tending gigs of high school and college came easily.
Not a real marine biologist. (src)
When the layoffs came around to me, I was in shock. I was scared. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless. It felt unfair that this was happening to me and more importantly us. I feel like I let my husband down somehow. Our plans of starting a family together were put on hold indefinitely. At least I had a great and typically me cynical come back for when those annoying "when are you going to have babies?" questions came up.
Then I got a job. I felt like I had won the lottery. The privilege to have benefits and a steady paycheck had been all I wanted for a year, because deep down, I didn't really care about being the CEO of a company or some other grand position (see above), I just wanted a stable life. I am sure I am making it sound like I have always been baby crazy. Not true. I have gone through serious phases of ultimate doubt. How will I ever be able to take care of another human if I still feel like a teenager? I can't remember my lunch in the morning, how will I be able to remember soccer practice, doctors appointments, and their lunch? I have to give up beer/wine/coffee/sushi/anything delicious for 9 months or MORE? I won't be able to spend money on ME? I will have to get fat and say goodbye to my mediocre abs? When will I sleep? How will we afford it? What about their college tuition? You get the idea.
Apparently, everyone says "oh you will never be ready!" Well, I was pretty far from ready for a long time. After getting the job, I felt pressure to get this baby train rolling. I wasn't getting any younger, and my biggest concern was age. I always knew I wanted a family, but knew I couldn't wait until I was 45 to start. (At least not ideally for me - I know there are lots of couples who start their families later in life.)
The summer of 2011 rolled on. Our "plan" was in place. All of a sudden it was time for the "plan" to commence. Because of this I held off on signing up for a ton of races this fall. I really wanted to run a 1/2 marathon, but knew in the back of my mind it probably wasn't the best. I didn't know what would happen if I did end up pregnant and how my body would handle it. Being the frugal gal that I am, I knew spending money on race fees that I would potentially have to bow out of wasn't smart.
I did keep one race on my calendar. The Bear Water Run 10 mile on 9/10/11. Remember that one? Remember how I said it "just wasn't my day?" Well, it really was my day. But not for running. That morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. (I had a good hunch it would be positive because I had been feeling very off - especially during my training runs - the previous two weeks. They say you just know sometimes. I guess I did.) For some reason, I decided to still run the race. (See above about money.) I was distracted and completely exhausted. I started out way too fast and totally died at the end. My thoughts were most certainly not on the race. It was still fun and I can now say it was baby’s first race.
Since the day we found out, I have been reading, researching, and day dreaming about what the little bean will look like. I can't say I was immediately in love with my embryo. It barely felt real. The day I saw the first ultrasound, I have to admit it was hard to keep the smile off my face. I look at them often.
During the first trimester, most days I felt exactly the same and barely noticed “my condition.” I have to say I feel pretty lucky in terms of first trimester sickness from the horror stories I hear from others. I had days where I felt really tired or had some nausea, aches and pains, and bloating, but nothing I couldn't battle through. I haven't had any strong aversions or cravings. Sure, lots of things sound good, but I don't think I've experienced a true craving. Now that I am in the second trimester, I'm told things only get better from here, until they get downright uncomfortable at the end. I am also extremely lucky to have been bale to keep up my running. I have managed 20-25 miles per week which is just a little less than before the spawn. Sure I'm a LOT slower, but I am still out there putting one foot in front of the other and for that I am grateful.
So now you know where I've been hiding and why I've not been blogging. Of course I've had lots to talk about, but we (Mr. BKL and I) made a decision to wait to spread the news.
As for the future of what's to come on this blog, well it's mine and I can talk about what I want. But, I don't think it's in my nature to be all ZOMG BABIES all the time. That being said, I've learned to never say never about anything anymore. I do know that for the foreseeable future, there won't be talk about beer or running races. ::dabs lone tear off cheek:: My goal is to talk about staying healthy and sane during this ultimate endurance event. And let’s face it, millions of women have birthed babies. This is nothing new and I am not that special. (Don’t tell my Mom that.)
Also, since we don't have a huge house or tons of disposable income, there won't be much talk about mega glam nurseries, the latest and greatest large plastic objects (aka baby toys), or new vehicles. I also won't sit here and write out an elaborate birth plan or even pretend to know what the heck is going on when it comes to birthing and raising babies. Things can happen. If it's one thing that remains the same, it's that things change.
Weeks along: 13 weeks and 3 days (technically 2nd trimester if you divide 40 by 3)
Maternity clothes: Not yet, but some pants have already been phased out.
Workouts: Running 20-25 mpw and lifting about 2x a week.
Weight gained: ? More than 5, less than 10. I haven't been weighing closely.
Favorite foods: cheese, soft pretzels, bread, Twix bars, Sweet Baby Rays Buffalo Wing dipping sauce
Least favorite food: fruity gummy bears
Current symptoms: Fatigue, continually slowing running speeds, indigestion.
Thing that annoys me right now: A co-riker eating an apple loudly and painfully slow, every. single. day, the neighbors obnoxious security flood light that seems to be possessed by the underworld and wakes me up at night, the sometimes smelly bathroom at work.*
And that my friends, is how to do a blogger pregnancy announcement with a lone photo of George Costanza.
* These are not necessarily related to pregnancy. I am annoyed easily.